I’M HAVING AN EMERGENCY! Crazy by Ashford - November 20, 2015November 19, 20157 “I’M HAVING AN EMERGENCY!” I screamed as I burst into the bedroom jarring my peacefully sleeping husband awake. He’s been going through some pretty brutal chemotherapy and had suffered from a headache earlier in the day. He began trying to shake himself from the grips of the oxycodone to be present for me. "We need to call the Fire Department, or 911 or the Water Department! WHO DO I CALL?” I blurted out not giving him the space he needed to disentangle himself from the narcotics. He shot up in bed “WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?!” he exclaimed. And as I began to recount the story it dawned on me that maybe, just maybe this wasn’t a terror alert red level emergency. You see I’ve lost
Lessons Earned Crazy by Ashford - November 9, 20155 The frustrating thing about God is that when you pray for something (and I mean really really pray for something) He doesn’t just give it to you. I mean, occasionally He does but more often than not He prefers to present you with the opportunity to gain it for yourself. For example, patience has never been my strong suit. I acknowledge this openly. I have prayed and prayed for years that God make me a more patient being. Enter my 4 year old son. This boy could make Ghandi lose his cool. I kid you not. And although I still struggle with patience on a daily (and sometimes hourly) basis I am presented with the opportunity to practice over and over again. And over. And
Ring my bell Family Matters by Ashford - October 30, 201510 Today marks the end of a large part of our battle. Today he gets his last dose of IV chemotherapy. Today he gets to ring the bell that signifies the passage to the next part of the journey. That bell hangs on the wall across the room. I have been staring at that bell for an entire month. I have watched so many others take their turn all the while longing for it to be his. I have clapped, cheered, and eaten cupcakes in celebration of their journeys. I have rejoiced with them in earnest sincerity. But today….today is finally HIS day. This man who has endured unimaginable suffering without ever uttering a single complaint. This man who received 19 doses of
Don’t ask me how I’m doing. Please. Crazy by Ashford - October 12, 2015October 12, 20157 “How are you doing?” It seems innocent enough and at the time you asked I was laughing and sipping my salted caramel latte. It’s the normal conversation that friends have over coffee, or at the salon, or over the phone. But I would feel like a fraud if I gave you the brush off “I’m good!” I know that you would know that I am lying- especially if you can see my eyes as the fear, anxiety, pain, and tears well up. I tried it once- to straight out lie. I was at my doctor’s office at a routine visit for my annual health screening. “I’ve been copied on all of your husband’s medical records. I know about the cancer. And the surgeries.
The Eye of The Storm Family Matters by Ashford - September 15, 201527 Many of you have been asking for an update on the hubs. I don't want to make this a regular thing on B&C but I do want to keep everyone updated who is interested. I have (with the help of a friend) created a "Family Matters" tab at the top of the site for family updates. I will try to keep it current while not being in your face all the time with all things cancer. Nobody wants to read that....not even me. In fact, I don't even like to write about it. But that being said it's important for our family and friends who are far away to keep up with us. And I simply cannot continue to have
The Whole Truth Crazy by Ashford - August 18, 2015August 18, 201519 I don’t want to write this. I’ve been avoiding writing this. Mostly that’s because I can’t sit with one thought or one emotion long enough to form a coherent thought. The only consistency in my life right now is the fight in me. I’m fighting for his life. For our life. And I’m sorry for those of you who have been caught in the crossfire. You see when fighting this hard everything looks like a potential threat. Yes, even you. My mind is wild and the adrenalin never stops pumping. Hours after my normal bedtime I lie awake and I can feel it coursing through my veins. I am in a constant state of “flight or fight”. I am hyper-attuned to
Getting it Dead Wrong Crazy by Ashford - July 30, 2015July 20, 20150 A few years ago my grandmother “Gammy” passed away. Thinking about her also leads me to think about one of my not-so-shining moments in parenthood. You see, her death was the first death that my children would experience. Her funeral would be the first funeral they had ever attended. Now Meeny was just 1 so I wasn’t worried about him at all but Eeny was 3 and I felt the need to explain things to her. The funeral would be open casket and I didn’t want her to be frightened or confused. The night before the funeral as I was putting Eeny to bed I pulled her close to me and began explaining. “Baby, you remember Gammy right?” “Yes Mommy.” “Well, Gammy died and went to Heaven
It’s NOT About the Cheeseburger! Crazy by Ashford - July 27, 2015July 20, 20150 I don’t feel stressed. I mean I know I should be but I just don’t feel like it. Maybe my threshold has just increased. Maybe I’ve become immune. I mean when my new babysitter who was supposed to start on Monday at 8:30 am called me on Friday at 2 pm to tell me she can’t watch the kids I didn’t even bat an eye. It was the same level of annoyance as when my free xm subscription expired earlier that day. I mean it sucks but it’s merely annoying. It’s not the end of the world. Normally something like this would send me into a full blown panic. I was beginning to feel proud of myself and how I can
If You Give a Mom a Cookie… Crazy by Ashford - July 23, 2015July 20, 20151 This post was originally featured on Huffington Post. Graphic courtesy of Barnhouse Graphics If you give your mom a cookie... She’ll probably want to take it into the closet to eat alone. In peace. When she’s in the closet she’ll notice the overflowing laundry basket and decide to throw a load in. While loading the washer she’ll realize she needs to empty the dryer vent. When she goes to the trashcan with the dryer lint she’ll realize it’s trash day. When she goes outside to take the trash she’ll probably check the mail. When she goes through the mail she’ll surely find a bill that needs to be paid. She will want to pay it right away and will go to her purse to get her checkbook. When she opens
You might be a mom if… Crazy by Ashford - July 20, 2015July 25, 20153 Guest post by Gina Ballentine of Stage Too You might be a mom if... … your car is not just a vehicle but also a movie theatre, a dining room, a dance floor, and a therapist’s office. … your phone contains 300 blurry photos of inanimate objects your preschooler took. … you consider showering before 10 am an accomplishment. … you haven’t peed alone in over a year. … there are plastic ponies, dolls, and mermaids in your shower. … you can walk through a playroom in the dark like a Ninja, never stepping on a single toy that is scattered throughout the room. … you find a random sock, hair bow, or googly eye in your purse. … you grab a Capri sun for yourself to drink. … you
