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When my life burned down

by Ashford - 1

It started as a spark but before I knew it the flames were raging around me. Hungrily consuming everything in their wake. The breath sucked out of my lungs by the intense heat. And it stayed that way for far too long. I was certain I wouldn’t make it out alive. But I did. And I sat in the ashes of my life as everything I had ever known continued to smolder around me.  I’d like to tell you that I picked myself up, brushed myself off, and began to walk. But that’s not how it happened. What happened is that I lay down in the ashes ripping my clothes and smearing soot on my face. I kicked and I screamed. I

Six Little Words

by Ashford - 4

I thought I was over it. In fact, I was sure of it. We’ve been living with impending doom hanging over our heads for a little over a year now. To the point that I thought it had no power anymore. But with those six words…. “Hey I got a call from….” and then he paused. And in that millisecond pause I saw it all. I saw the bad results. I saw the next round of chemo. I saw the long road down. I even saw his funeral. I saw myself struggling to raise our 3 children as a widow. I saw it all. “The credit card company- there’s a fraud alert on our card can you call them?” And I almost collapsed in

Finding the humor in cancer

by Ashford - 0

“I have to take a fecal sample to the hospital- which Tupperware container can I use?” I blinked twice having to re-read the text message multiple times before full computing what it said. I was in a business lunch of course and immediately excused myself into the empty conference room next door to quickly call him before he crapped in my favorite lunch container. “Babe!!! Get out of my cabinets right now and drive to the family doctor to get a specimen container!” “But these ziplock containers look great they even have screw on lids.” “I USE THOSE EVERYDAY FOR MY LUNCH! EVERYDAY!! GET OUT OF MY CABINETS!!!” He refused to drive 10 minutes down the road to get a specimen cup from the doctor

**Family Update: What the heck has been going on?**

by Ashford - 7

This isn’t a blog post, an essay, or a funny story. I feel the need to say this because I have a lot of followers for a lot of different reasons. This started out as a way for friends and family to follow my crazy stories and somehow it snowballed into this big awesome thing. In fact most of you follow me simply because that one time I rubbed a urinal cake all over my face before I realized what it was (and I’m glad to have you all here). But if you don’t know me and aren't invested in my story or my family feel free to dip out of this post. All this post is going to be

The watermark always rises

by Ashford - 8

  “I hope you don’t ever get a chronic health condition,” I snarled at him. “I could never take care of you.” And I meant it. We were 12 days into a chronic sinus infection, had our first child who was only 15 weeks old, and had just opened a business. I was in that sleep-deprived “what the heck do I do with this baby” place and my husband was laid up in bed like he had ebola. But life is all about expanding your threshold isn't it? Now, 6 years, 2 more children, and one cancer diagnosis later I find myself doing the very thing I swore I couldn’t withstand. My husband is a boat dealer and I've always kind of had a thing for

Dirty words and life lessons

by Ashford - 0

We spend a fair amount of time in our house discussing the difference between “good” and “bad” words. My kids are little at 6, 4, and 1 and so I still have a large amount of control in this arena. Most of our bad words are pretty tame. We have the usual suspects like “stupid”, “jerk”, and “loser.” But I feel like we have a pretty good handle on it. For example, my kids still believe that “hate” is a bad word not to be spoken. This isn’t to say we don’t have the occasional big time f-bomb but for the most part it remains largely under control. That is until 2 weeks ago when I was introduced to some new,

It was easier when he was sick

by Ashford - 1

Can I be honest here? Can I say something horrible that no one would ever think to say?  Except that they might think it. Or they might think that I’m horrible for saying it. It could really go either way at this point. But I pride myself on my brutal (and sometimes inappropriate) honesty. So here it goes… It was easier when he was sick. There I said it. And I haven’t been struck by lightening just yet so let me explain myself if you would. It’s been almost a year since my husband was diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma. It’s been about 8 months since he began chemo. And it’s been about 3 months since he’s been feeling somewhat “normal” and our lives have returned. But

Living with the white noise

by Ashford - 6

  I don’t sleep since I became a mother. Long after my children began sleeping through the night I found myself up and fretting in darkness. My mind spinning with chores, to dos, and nightmares. The fears that come when loving something so much the very inkling of losing it keeps you up for weeks on end. Every sound, every cry jolts me awake in a fight or flight stance. Ready to defend what’s mine against the terrors of this world. Some time ago I bought noise maker to drown out the creaks and whimpers made by a house full of three sleeping children. The white noise covers the anxiety like a thin veil. Just long enough for me to drift away. And

My confession

by Ashford - 2

I feel like I need to address something with all of you, my readers. I need to set the record straight. After a recent post I received countless emails, texts, comments, and messages declaring my bravery and my strength. And although I truly appreciate these heartfelt sentiments there is something I need to confess… I am not strong.  No, I am not. In fact, I believe I may be the antithesis of strength. I struggled, I cried, I broke. I barely made it through. I clawed my way through each day- each moment. And somehow found myself standing here. On the other side. No. I am not strong but there is strength all around me. My God is strong. He provided for me in ways

Walking through the valley

by Ashford - 1

It’s the little things that clue you in- the nuances. No one ever said to me “this is an emergency this is dangerous” but somehow I knew. It was when the nurse insisted that he sit in a wheelchair. When she didn’t ask him to step onto the scale to do a weight check. When she left the exam room door opened and casually pointed out the call button on the wall. These were the things that made my heart start to pound and my senses heighten. It was when the doctor ordered a head CT and a chest x-ray that sent me grappling through my purse to find a discarded pill bottle of xanax because I knew- somehow I

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