When my life burned down Crazy by Ashford - January 29, 20181 It started as a spark but before I knew it the flames were raging around me. Hungrily consuming everything in their wake. The breath sucked out of my lungs by the intense heat. And it stayed that way for far too long. I was certain I wouldn’t make it out alive. But I did. And I sat in the ashes of my life as everything I had ever known continued to smolder around me. I’d like to tell you that I picked myself up, brushed myself off, and began to walk. But that’s not how it happened. What happened is that I lay down in the ashes ripping my clothes and smearing soot on my face. I kicked and I screamed. I
Telling your children you have cancer Family Matters by Ashford - June 17, 2016June 14, 20161 “Daddy has cancer.” For 3 months these words were balled up in my throat making it impossible to breathe, to speak. For 3 months every time I looked at my children's faces I could feel them rising up like vomit that I had to force back down. The tears welled up in my eyes as I imagined the impending “talk” we couldn’t avoid. They knew something was wrong. Of course they knew. He had been through 2 surgeries and we had been gone countless days visiting specialists out of town. They’re smarter than I give them credit. The undercurrent in our house was tense and uncomfortable with the unspoken words. But saying it out loud was more than I could handle. We planned
What I didn’t expect to get from cancer Crazy by Ashford - February 22, 2016February 17, 20163 You know how people say things and it just rubs you the wrong way sometimes? They certainly don’t intend to offend and yet there it is. You force a smile because you know they mean well. But all you can hear is the blood rushing in your ears and all you can feel is your cheeks getting hotter and hotter. This is exactly how I feel when I hear people say “Cancer is a gift”. I don’t know what kind of a crappy gift giver you are but I am sure that no matter how bad your taste cancer most certainly is NOT a gift. But, when you wade through the flood waters you will find that although cancer itself is not
Living with the white noise Crazy by Ashford - February 15, 2016February 11, 20166 I don’t sleep since I became a mother. Long after my children began sleeping through the night I found myself up and fretting in darkness. My mind spinning with chores, to dos, and nightmares. The fears that come when loving something so much the very inkling of losing it keeps you up for weeks on end. Every sound, every cry jolts me awake in a fight or flight stance. Ready to defend what’s mine against the terrors of this world. Some time ago I bought noise maker to drown out the creaks and whimpers made by a house full of three sleeping children. The white noise covers the anxiety like a thin veil. Just long enough for me to drift away. And
Ring my bell Family Matters by Ashford - October 30, 201510 Today marks the end of a large part of our battle. Today he gets his last dose of IV chemotherapy. Today he gets to ring the bell that signifies the passage to the next part of the journey. That bell hangs on the wall across the room. I have been staring at that bell for an entire month. I have watched so many others take their turn all the while longing for it to be his. I have clapped, cheered, and eaten cupcakes in celebration of their journeys. I have rejoiced with them in earnest sincerity. But today….today is finally HIS day. This man who has endured unimaginable suffering without ever uttering a single complaint. This man who received 19 doses of
The Eye of The Storm Family Matters by Ashford - September 15, 201527 Many of you have been asking for an update on the hubs. I don't want to make this a regular thing on B&C but I do want to keep everyone updated who is interested. I have (with the help of a friend) created a "Family Matters" tab at the top of the site for family updates. I will try to keep it current while not being in your face all the time with all things cancer. Nobody wants to read that....not even me. In fact, I don't even like to write about it. But that being said it's important for our family and friends who are far away to keep up with us. And I simply cannot continue to have
