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When my life burned down

by Ashford - 1

It started as a spark but before I knew it the flames were raging around me. Hungrily consuming everything in their wake. The breath sucked out of my lungs by the intense heat. And it stayed that way for far too long. I was certain I wouldn’t make it out alive. But I did. And I sat in the ashes of my life as everything I had ever known continued to smolder around me.  I’d like to tell you that I picked myself up, brushed myself off, and began to walk. But that’s not how it happened. What happened is that I lay down in the ashes ripping my clothes and smearing soot on my face. I kicked and I screamed. I

PTSD and Me

by Ashford - 2

By July I had started to shed some of the extra 35 pounds I had put on over the past two years. By  September I was weaning my kids off the frozen corn dogs and pizzas they had been subsisting on for longer than I care to admit. I had started cooking real actual food again. By October I had quit my job of over 10 years to embark on a new journey with a new company. And now it’s December and I am beginning to remember what it’s like to actually live again. Not just to survive. I am learning the difference between acceptance and contentment and I am enjoying the latter for the first time in a long time. When

Scan day: Taking control back

by Ashford - 9

I never wear jewelry.  Who has the time for accessorizing when there’s so many other things to be dealt with? But today I look in the mirror and put in the fancy-dangly earrings I bought myself some months back. My outfit is on point, my makeup is perfection, I’ve styled my hair, and yes- I’m even putting on jewelry. Not just earrings but the necklace and bracelet to match. You see even if I feel like the whole world could fall apart at any moment I can still look put together. In fact, it’s somewhat soothing to know I can still get dressed and accessorize and look normal. I can look like any other woman on the street going about her normal

Six Little Words

by Ashford - 4

I thought I was over it. In fact, I was sure of it. We’ve been living with impending doom hanging over our heads for a little over a year now. To the point that I thought it had no power anymore. But with those six words…. “Hey I got a call from….” and then he paused. And in that millisecond pause I saw it all. I saw the bad results. I saw the next round of chemo. I saw the long road down. I even saw his funeral. I saw myself struggling to raise our 3 children as a widow. I saw it all. “The credit card company- there’s a fraud alert on our card can you call them?” And I almost collapsed in

Finding the humor in cancer

by Ashford - 0

“I have to take a fecal sample to the hospital- which Tupperware container can I use?” I blinked twice having to re-read the text message multiple times before full computing what it said. I was in a business lunch of course and immediately excused myself into the empty conference room next door to quickly call him before he crapped in my favorite lunch container. “Babe!!! Get out of my cabinets right now and drive to the family doctor to get a specimen container!” “But these ziplock containers look great they even have screw on lids.” “I USE THOSE EVERYDAY FOR MY LUNCH! EVERYDAY!! GET OUT OF MY CABINETS!!!” He refused to drive 10 minutes down the road to get a specimen cup from the doctor

**Family Update: What the heck has been going on?**

by Ashford - 7

This isn’t a blog post, an essay, or a funny story. I feel the need to say this because I have a lot of followers for a lot of different reasons. This started out as a way for friends and family to follow my crazy stories and somehow it snowballed into this big awesome thing. In fact most of you follow me simply because that one time I rubbed a urinal cake all over my face before I realized what it was (and I’m glad to have you all here). But if you don’t know me and aren't invested in my story or my family feel free to dip out of this post. All this post is going to be

Hurricane Season

by Ashford - 1

I was 9 years old when Hurricane Hugo ripped through South Carolina leaving nothing but destruction in its wake. It was the first hurricane I had lived through and I slept huddled in a ball at the foot of my parents bed as our house shook with the violent winds. I remember being afraid that I was going to die, that everything was falling down around me, and that no one was safe. We made it through the storm and we were lucky. There was no major damage to speak of to our house or our neighborhood. Now I’ve lived through countless hurricanes, a few tornadoes, and an earthquake. Now I know what to do when the weatherman starts warning us. I

The watermark always rises

by Ashford - 8

  “I hope you don’t ever get a chronic health condition,” I snarled at him. “I could never take care of you.” And I meant it. We were 12 days into a chronic sinus infection, had our first child who was only 15 weeks old, and had just opened a business. I was in that sleep-deprived “what the heck do I do with this baby” place and my husband was laid up in bed like he had ebola. But life is all about expanding your threshold isn't it? Now, 6 years, 2 more children, and one cancer diagnosis later I find myself doing the very thing I swore I couldn’t withstand. My husband is a boat dealer and I've always kind of had a thing for

Why I’m not praying for a clear PET scan

by Ashford - 3

Today is my husband’s routine PET scan and I'm not praying for good results. He was diagnosed with stage 3 Melanoma this time last year and man have we been through it. For those of you who aren't aware - he went through multiple surgeries and a particular devastating round of chemo. Now the phrase “round of chemo” can mean a lot of things to a lot of people (as can the word “devastating”). But in our case he endured 19 doses in 24 days administered by IV. At that point he switched to injections that were supposed to be given 3 times a week. The entire regimen was supposed to last 52 weeks, a full year. He made it through 7. At the point they

Dirty words and life lessons

by Ashford - 0

We spend a fair amount of time in our house discussing the difference between “good” and “bad” words. My kids are little at 6, 4, and 1 and so I still have a large amount of control in this arena. Most of our bad words are pretty tame. We have the usual suspects like “stupid”, “jerk”, and “loser.” But I feel like we have a pretty good handle on it. For example, my kids still believe that “hate” is a bad word not to be spoken. This isn’t to say we don’t have the occasional big time f-bomb but for the most part it remains largely under control. That is until 2 weeks ago when I was introduced to some new,

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