You are here
Home > Crazy (Page 2)

Crazy

The Olan Mills Generation

by Ashford - 2

I am a part of the Olan Mills generation. You know what I’m talking about right? Where every year we had to dress up in our Sunday best and make our way to the tiny studio downtown studio for our annual family photo. We snuggled bunnies on the brown shag carpet, sat in white wicker chairs, and smiled sweetly in front of the bookshelf backdrop. Each time my mother would collect her “free 8x10 family photo” without purchasing any others and we would leave. (On a side note my mother still proudly displays all of those 8x10s in her house.) So as I grew up and started my own family I continued the tradition. Only now there is no Olan Mills

How NOT to handle the Birds and the Bees talk

by Ashford - 0
Oh dear...

It's important to have the discussion beforehand about how you will handle questions regarding anatomy- aka "The Birds and the Bees" talk. This prevents you from being caught unprepared and having to answer "on the fly"- which of course exponentially increases your chances of saying something stupid. Case in point.... Meeny was born when Eeny was just 2 years old. So of course there were lots of questions regarding breastfeeding (she referred to my boobs as "baby food” for years). However, the questions were not the greatest source of concern. Eeny quickly realized that while I was nursing the baby I was basically incapacitated and found that this was an excellent time to get into mischief.  One particular afternoon as I was [chained

I am a Suburban Slumlord

by Ashford - 3

“If I dropped a dollar bill on the floor in our house I wouldn’t even pick it up,” my husband said only halfway joking. He says the floors are too dirty to warrant the risk of retrieving the dollar. And it’s probably half true. With three small (feral) children and three dogs I am basically a suburban slumlord. I was raised in a pristine house. Everything had it’s place and by God everything was in it’s place. The countertops and floors sparkled and there was no question that it was safe to eat off the floor. My house always looked like a magazine shoot for Southern Living. Even when we had kids in the house. Of course since I was raised

You can call me “Murphy”

by Ashford - 6

I’ve been doing an awful lot of soul searching here recently. It’s the reason i’ve been so quiet. So absent. I’ve come to understanding a certain number of truths about myself. Not all of them are ready to be shared but one, I feel, needs to be said. I am a calamity. An accident waiting to happen. I am a series of unfortunate events strung together by a dark sense of humor and an incredible surge of adrenalin. So this leaves me to let you know that you may as well call me Murphy.    As in Murphy’s Law. As in the human embodiment of the concept that if something can go wrong it will. You see I’ve been fighting it my whole life. Trying

Rewriting your past

by Ashford - 1

In college I once wrote a paper for my Psych class about the fact that the smell of motor oil turns me on.  Weird right? Yeah I know. But you see your sense of smell has an amazing ability to take you back to a moment that you had long ago- in an instant you’re there. You see my boyfriend at the time (now my husband) was a mechanic. We were dating long distance but every month or so he would leave work on a Friday and make the 5 hour drive to my campus to see me. He always smelled of motor oil and manual labor. He doesn’t smell like that anymore. Now he smells like an office, or on a good

That time I got recognized in public (I’m famous Ya’ll!!!!)

by Ashford - 5

So I'm having one of those days ya know? The “It’s President’s Day and so my shower can wait just one more day” days. Not to say that we were lazy because oh holy heck we weren’t. We were up with the roosters making bacon and pancakes at the boys’ insistence and by 10 am we were itching to get out of the house. We went to the local park and hiked, and did the nature trail, and found a maze in the woods, and found a “secret” cemetary, and threw rocks in the creek, and all the other things you do on a holiday. Well, if I were to be completely honest all the things you wish to do on a

Ever have to ring the call button in the dressing room? I did…

by Ashford - 3

“Do you own Spanx? That might help!” she cheerfully suggested. The words hung in the air thick with the judgement that only a 21 year old size zero sales employee could muster. My last meals began flashing through my brain. Pizza with the kids last night, hot dogs for lunch at that birthday party, oh and I had cake and ice cream there too. I ate half of a leftover pop tart for breakfast along with three french toast sticks and a handful of goldfish crackers. I probably shouldn’t have had the Venti Latte at Starbucks either…God knows how many calories are in those things but I had been up all night with the teething baby and I was soooooo tired. So

NYE 2016: The day the Hubs snapped

by Ashford - 2

  “HEY!!!! THIS ISN’T YOUR PLAYGROUND!! GET OFF OF HERE OR I’M GOING TO SEND YOU A BILL FOR THE DAMAGE!!!” It was Christmas morning and my husband was out on the golf course with Meeny teaching him how to drive his brand new RC car. To be fair they weren't causing any damage- they were only making tracks in the dew. He tried to be nice at first but the onslaught continued. “WHERE DO YOU LIVE????” the voice bellowed from the porch across the course. Finally the Hubs had had enough. He snapped. He forgot who he was and where he was and who he was with (and the example he was setting). “MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO! WHY DON’T YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!”

Six Little Words

by Ashford - 4

I thought I was over it. In fact, I was sure of it. We’ve been living with impending doom hanging over our heads for a little over a year now. To the point that I thought it had no power anymore. But with those six words…. “Hey I got a call from….” and then he paused. And in that millisecond pause I saw it all. I saw the bad results. I saw the next round of chemo. I saw the long road down. I even saw his funeral. I saw myself struggling to raise our 3 children as a widow. I saw it all. “The credit card company- there’s a fraud alert on our card can you call them?” And I almost collapsed in

The halfway Christmas

by Ashford - 2

  The lights were halfway up for weeks The garland still ain't done  I'm losing hope It'll all be hung Before January one    We got our tree from the tree farm  Just outside of town  Too bad that after just one week The star is falling down    Half the presents have been bought And none of them are wrapped I hesitate to say it But by Christmas I'll have snapped   The mail ain't even opened Too many Christmas cards to read The kids all have their programs And a drink is what I need    We gotta take some pics with santa And read him all our lists And wear our matching outfits No matter how much they resist    There are cookies to be baked And light shows to go see We almost missed the live nativity 'Cuz someone had to pee   We try to teach our

Top