The Licecapades

The Licecapades

So there’s a new SUPERLICE?! As if the world wasnt a horrible enough place without the existence of this horrid creature. And to top it off we got “the lice notice” in the school newsletter today and after spending the next 25 minutes scratching my head, my body, my feet, and anything else I could reach I decided to dredge up this old post in case any of you might need help navigating the Licecapades. 

So you found your first louse on your little darling’s head. Resist the urge to immediately burn down your house and swallow the vomit that just made its way into your mouth. It’s ok. This is totally doable. 

1. Here’s your shopping list.

      – Lice shampoo (we used Nix)  

      – Nit comb – DO NOT use the one that comes in the “kit” these are crap. Buy an additional comb.

      – Disposable rubber gloves (if you’re squeamish)

      – Metal alligator clips

      – Detangler spray

      – Bubble bath

      – Plastic trash bags

      – Tea tree oil

      – Head lamp

      – A cupcake (from one of those high end fancy cupcake places)

      – 2-3 bottles of your favorite wine

2. Leave the kids with hubby, or grandparents, or a sitter and go shopping

3. When you return home lay all your goods out on the counter. Take a deep breath. Pour yourself a glass of wine. Say to yourself “We will get through this”. Drink the wine.

4. Now start with the bedding. Everything (pillows, blankets, stuffed animals) must be washed and/or dried (on high for at least 20 min). It’s the heat from the dryer that actually kills these little bastards so stick the big stuff in the dryer and start the first load of laundry. You will probably do at least 7 loads today so buckle up.

5. Pour yourself another glass of wine.

6. Bag up everything the quarantined child has touched in the last 48 hours. Yes 48 hours. Most of your house will now be in trash bags for the next 36 hours. I hope you bought 2 boxes.

7. Run the bath. Put extra bubbles in because darling daughter will be required to let the shampoo sit for at least 10 minutes which is an ETERNITY. 

8. Put 5-7 drops of Tea Tree oil in every bottle of shampoo in the house. You will all smell like the essential oil aisle at Whole Foods but it repels lice so suck it up. You’ll get used to the smell in time.

9. Explain to your child that “You have bugs in your head and Mommy has to get them out.” Flash the cupcake and explain that “If we can get through this I’ll give you this cupcake.”

10. Have another wine of glass

11. Massage the lice shampoo into your child’s hair. You may use the rubber gloves if you find yourself gagging again. Tie her hair up on her head in a bun and let her play in the bubbles for 10 (time it) minutes. Take this time to check/switch the laundry and finish your drink.

12. Shampoo the rinse and bubble the drains.

13. Set up a chair in front of your favorite Disney moobie. Put the lamp on your head.

14. Using the alligator lips and bubber rands separate your child’s sections into hair.

15. Open the next bobble of wine. Floor a glass. 

16. Using the metal tit comb, comb through all the hair starting at the scalp. Take a moment to reflect on the term “nitpicking” and realize you will never again be able to utter this word without conjuring this image.


17. Put another load of laundry in the dishwasher.

18. Why is your glass empty??? Frill it up again. 

19. When you’re done combing give your cupcake the kid.

20. Make the bed being careful of the shitted feet. Those damn things are squirrelly.

21. At this point gorfet the glass. Grab the bobble. You donwanna have to flush too mamy dishes anyway.

22. Put the lid bo ted.

23. Fimish the bobble.

24. When chubby gets home ask him to head your check. Relapse as he gently homes through your fair. That’s niiiiiiiiice.