Motherhood and McDonald’s: It’s really all the same Crazy by Ashford - December 31, 20151 Originally featured on Scary Mommy. My first job some 20 years ago was working in a fast food joint. It’s almost a rite of passage for an American teen these days and quite frankly I’m probably better for it. The only thing is- I had hoped that after 20 years, several years of higher education, and several jobs later that portion of my life would be over. I have served my time in the trenches and I should be on to bigger and better things. And I thought I was. Until I realized that I wasn’t. Sadly, very little separates being a mom and working at McDonalds. Case in point… 1. It sure as hell isn’t Burger King. I can’t tell you the
It’s NOT About the Cheeseburger! Crazy by Ashford - July 27, 2015July 20, 20150 I don’t feel stressed. I mean I know I should be but I just don’t feel like it. Maybe my threshold has just increased. Maybe I’ve become immune. I mean when my new babysitter who was supposed to start on Monday at 8:30 am called me on Friday at 2 pm to tell me she can’t watch the kids I didn’t even bat an eye. It was the same level of annoyance as when my free xm subscription expired earlier that day. I mean it sucks but it’s merely annoying. It’s not the end of the world. Normally something like this would send me into a full blown panic. I was beginning to feel proud of myself and how I can
You might be a mom if… Crazy by Ashford - July 20, 2015July 25, 20153 Guest post by Gina Ballentine of Stage Too You might be a mom if... … your car is not just a vehicle but also a movie theatre, a dining room, a dance floor, and a therapist’s office. … your phone contains 300 blurry photos of inanimate objects your preschooler took. … you consider showering before 10 am an accomplishment. … you haven’t peed alone in over a year. … there are plastic ponies, dolls, and mermaids in your shower. … you can walk through a playroom in the dark like a Ninja, never stepping on a single toy that is scattered throughout the room. … you find a random sock, hair bow, or googly eye in your purse. … you grab a Capri sun for yourself to drink. … you
You Can Only Touch Your Own Nipples!!! Crazy by Ashford - July 16, 2015July 7, 20154 It’s not uncommon to witness my 4 YO playing with his toys and see him pick up an object, say a block, smack himself in the forehead with it and then return it to it’s place. He will then pick up another object, for example a stuffed animal, smack himself in the head with it and then immediately hurl it across the room. Is this just kids being weird? No. No it’s not. It’s my 4 YO employing one of the weirdest rules we have in my house. Here’s how it goes: Before you throw something in the house you must first hit yourself in the head with it. If it hurts, it is not an acceptable object to throw. You see, kids
Crossing the Line Featured On by Ashford - July 1, 20150 It was one of those spiraling out of control situations. You know where you forget who you are and who they are and you say things you probably shouldn’t. And then when she’s sobbing in her carseat you see how little she is and the guilt seeps in. It’s a feeling worse than any other. Read the whole article.
“Harebrained” Crazy by Ashford - June 16, 20152 “Do you want to do a book review for me?” "It’s 262 pages. It’s a collection of short stories.” I stared blankly at the text message that had just come through on my phone. I was sitting on the toilet in a public restroom at a random fast food joint. I was on the road, yet again, for work. I was honored, thrilled, excited, and terrified all at one. I have never written a book review before. Hell, I probably haven’t even read a book in it’s entirety since my first child was born 6 years ago. But I couldn’t shake the awe of this awesome opportunity that had been laid in my lap. “Absolutely!!” I replied my hands shaking as I fumbled to
The Unforseen Consequences of Shark Week Crazy by Ashford - June 8, 20151 Guest post by Gina Ballentine of Stage Too I took my girls swimming at the local Y this Saturday in an effort to get some of their energy out and for me to burn a calorie or two. My oldest is a little fish and my youngest, well she loves her water wings. We got there and thankfully the water was not too cold. I personally hate cold water and my kids have -2% body fat so they turn purple and shake within 5 minutes of being in 85 degree water. I, on the other hand, am insulated like a walrus so I never turn purple, instead I just bitch the entire time that my blubber is cold. Of course the girls would
Don’t push me kid… Crazy by Ashford - May 26, 2015May 26, 201513 My kids complain a lot. I mean probably not anymore than normal kids but it still seems excessive. From the wrong color cup, to the wrong seat at the table, to the wrong fill-in-the-ever-loving-blank. It’s always something and sometimes it just gets to be a little too much and you have to push back. I’m sure you can all relate. One of their chief complaints is that "Mommy doesn’t push as good as Daddy" on the swings. This one, for whatever reason, really gets under my skin. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m preoccupied with such nuisances as “safety” and “well-being” I don’t know. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m sick and tired of always being the “responsible” one. Or the
