How NOT to handle the Birds and the Bees talk

We just ruined this conversation.

It’s important to have the discussion beforehand about how you will handle questions regarding anatomy- aka “The Birds and the Bees” talk. This prevents you from being caught unprepared and having to answer “on the fly”- which of course exponentially increases your chances of saying something stupid.

Case in point….

Meeny was born when Eeny was just 2 years old. So of course there were lots of questions regarding breastfeeding (she referred to my boobs as “baby food” for years). However, the questions were not the greatest source of concern. Eeny quickly realized that while I was nursing the baby I was basically incapacitated and found that this was an excellent time to get into mischief. 

One particular afternoon as I was [chained to the couch] nursing the baby she snuck into the bathroom while Hubs was in the shower. He was enjoying a few moments of silence under the water when he opened his eyes to see a wide-eyed 2 year old staring directly at his….well, you know. 

Eventually she wandered out and silently sat next to me on the couch while Hubs hurriedly finished his shower. I guess he felt like they needed to have a conversation to discuss the encounter and shortly after he came out in just a towel and sat down next to her.

“Baby, come here. Let’s have a little talk,” he began.

She blankly stared at him.

“What you have are little lady parts…..”

She nodded in agreement. As I sat nervously waiting to see where this was leading.

“And what Daddy has…….”

He paused searching for the words

“Are Big Ole Man parts,” he proudly finished.

My jaw hit the floor and I was too speechless to even disagree. I just decided to let this go hoping that her 2 year old little brain would just pass over this moment without any retention.

Fast forward a month when I was bathing Meeny and Eeny was “helping me”.

“Mommy, can I bathe his legs?” she asked sweetly.

“Of course baby, use the washcloth.”

“I wanna bath his BIG OLE MAN PARTS!!!!” She exclaimed excitedly.

At this point I thought we had reached the epitome of failure at the “birds and the bees” talk. I could only imagine what she was saying at preschool. But hey….it could be worse! (One of my friends failed to come up with a name for her son’s big ole man parts and somehow at 3 years old he began referring to it as his “wang”. )

This prompted a parental conversation regarding referring to our gender specific body parts. We decided to keep “lady parts” but change the male version to “peepee”. I thought the subject was settled and there would be no more inappropriate (or just plain weird) situations regarding the issue.

Well, a few weeks latter we were almost ready for school and I asked hubby to put Meeny on the potty while I ran upstairs to grab their shoes. I was gone all of 5 minutes- which was apparently just long enough. When I returned all 3 (that would be Hubs, Eeny, and Meeny) of them were in the bathroom together and both kids were yelling “PENIS!! PENIS!! PENIS!!” at the top of their lungs.

“Hey Babe, I taught them the correct terminology” hubs proudly proclaimed smiling at me.

I just stood there in silence my mouth agape.

“PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS!!!!” they yelled louder.

I just shook my head giving him the “what have you done now” look and put their shoes on. The whole way to school they chorused together “PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS!” This was clearly out of my hands- I’ll have to thank him later.

When I dropped them off I told the teachers that I would be heading out of town that day and here was my husband’s cell number if they had any issues.

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If you liked this be sure to read Meet the teacher AKA the night from hell or Don’t push me kid

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