Kids are disgusting: The WORST parenting story you’ll ever read

I opened the door and was greeted by deafening silence. Heavenly, rare, deafening silence.

It was one of those rare occasions where the hubs and I were ships passing in the night. I was returning home late from a business meeting, he had left in the early afternoon for a boys’ fishing trip. We had bartered and begged and delegated the children to different friends and family scattered throughout the town in order to cover the 6 hours in which neither of us would be in town. And so what I came home to after a long delayed flight and subsequent 2 hour drive from the airport was sweet sweet silence and an empty house.

I took my time unloading my suitcase from the car as there was no one home to need anything (nay demand anything) from me immediately. I schlepped my suitcase into the bedroom and made my way to the half bath after drinking one too many Big Gulps on the way home.

When I entered the bathroom I was greeted by a sweet citrus smell. The entire bathroom seemed to have been scrubbed just before my arrival. I looked around astonished that my husband would think to clean the house just before my arrival (God knows how much I hate returning to a messy house) and that’s when I saw it.

One of the children’s cereal bowls sitting on the shelf with what seemed to be an old bar of soap sitting in it. I didn’t remember buying grapefruit scented soap but it could’ve been from years ago. They have a tendency to dig up things long forgotten and put them on display for me.

It looked just like a bar of soap looks years after its prime. You know when it’s all dried up and misshapen? But it smelled delicious.

A little piece of me just died.
A little piece of me just died.

I picked it up and held it to my nose breathing the scent in. The smell of fresh grapefruit in a perfectly silent house is just short of heaven I believe.

The thing was I just couldn’t quite place when I had bought fancy soap and just exactly where they had found it. Throughout the night I returned several times to inhale it’s tropical scent. In between making dinner and washing my face. I never bothered to wash my hands after fondling it because it was, afterall, just soap.

The next morning the spell had been broken as I left to collect all the children and return to my life of chaos and macaroni and cheese- leaving my grapefruit scented silence as a memory. It wasn’t long after we returned when Eeny emerged from the guest bathroom pressing the bar to her lips and breathing deeply saying “This is my favorite. I love the way this smells.”

“I know!” I wholeheartedly agreed. “What IS that? Where did you guys get that?” I asked.

“Meeny found it in the boys bathroom at Tae Kwon Do and brought it home,” she happily replied.

And that’s when it hit me. It wasn’t some upscale boutique $15 soap I had been caressing for the last 12 hours. It was a urinal cake.

That’s right, catch your breath. An f-ing urinal cake. A URINAL CAKE!!!! A urinal cake from the public gym I take my 5 year old for Tae Kwon Do three times a week. A urinal cake that has been peed on by at least 1000 strange little boys that I just held against my cheek!!!!!

With this realization I screamed and jerked it from her hands flinging it into the trashcan.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” she cried bursting into tears. “It’s my FAVORITE!!!!!”

“WASH YOUR HANDS, YOUR FACE, OH GOD WASH EVERYTHING!!!!!!” I screamed back.

And everything went black.

When I came to I realized I had only two options. As I went through my memory and all the things I had touched [eaten] since touching the vile thing I realized that in combination with all the things my kids had touched we really didn’t have much of a choice. I mean Tae Kwon Do is on Wednesdays and this was now Saturday!!!! This THING has touched basically everything in my house at this point.

So clearly our options were 1. Burn the house to the ground or 2. Pretend like it never happened and drink a bottle of wine [or two]. I’ll leave you guessing as to which I chose.

But either way here’s to kids being the most disgusting creatures ever to crawl the face of the earth and to teaching us some humility in the process.

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If you liked this you’ll also probably like Meet the teacher AKA the night from hell or Don’t push me kid

45 thoughts on “Kids are disgusting: The WORST parenting story you’ll ever read

  1. Ash, this is SO funny even after hearing you tell it in person!! You left out the part about when you disclosed it to your husband & him near vomiting over the phone, lol!! So glad you shared this so others can enjoy a great laugh because I still think about it now & laugh my butt off!! Thanks lady!!

  2. I’m sorry.. But I just Laughed sooooo ridiculously hard at this.. Thankfully my kids haven’t done anything quite that gross.. Yet

  3. I have to share with you that I have a similar story.
    When driving 2 hours north to visit family we had to stop for a potty break. We parked on the side of the gas stations and took turns going into the doors to the bathrooms. My son was last to emerge and we headed back to the highway. Moments later the car was filled with a potent familiar floral heavy scent (NOT citrus). I started to giggle as I asked my son if he washed his hands? Of course he proudly answered that yes he had. My husband wasn’t following my drift and asked “what’s that smell?!” I asked my son “was the soap round”? Well of course. Lastly, I asked “was it wrapped in paper”?
    As I held my breath he answered “yes”
    Oh thank heaven! By now none of us could breathe and yet we were dying laughing when I explained what a urinal cake was and asked him to please sit on his hands until we could stop at the next station!
    My son was mortified and mad that we were laughing. Poor guy.

  4. Spoken like a parent who has never been slapped in the face by a poop covered hand while trying to wash the poop out of their child’s mouth.

  5. NOT ashamed to be laughing til tears are rolling down my face, at your hilarious episode! Quite a gifted story teller! Can’t wait to read more! Sitcom mtrl, in my opinion! 🙂

  6. Kids and urinal cakes… seriously. Both my kids have gotten their hands on them, one has even gotten it in their mouth. There has to be a solution to this, maybe we can start a petition to have then banned. Who’s with me?!

  7. I didn’t even know about urinal cakes!!! NO IDEA!! I would have used it on my hands and taken it in the shower with me…. HA!!

    Oh friend, this is freaking HILARIOUS!!

  8. Luckily urine is sterile so your safe. Didn’t even know they made those. Now I’m wondering if my son has ever handled one since he goes in the restroom by himself. Hmm!

  9. Sorry I guess I am the only one who sees it differently. I find it hard to believe that one cannot tell by the LOOKS,the feel of it and smell, to recognized that these are what you see in toilet bowls alot. I never did like them, but in stores when seeing them You know what they are used for. LOL

    1. It’s really not that unbelievable. YOU might see them in toilet bowls a lot (where???) but I never have. I’ve never seen a urinal cake in my life, as I’ve never been inside a male toilet and I’ve never noticed them in the supermarket.

  10. Seriously? OMG, not all kids are disgusting. It’s mostly boys, and any gender of kids who’s parents suck at teaching their kids common sense. This article confirms my argument that the majority of humans are idiots.

  11. One day our laborer poured a gallon of Clorox down a urinal where I used to work. We had to evacuate the shop until the Clorine gas aired out. My opinion: There is no substitute for clean. These things, like the sunflower seed shells, cigarette butts, etc are disgusting. They called me a “clean freak”, I gave a safety meeting on washing your hands etc. Glad I’m retired. 😅

  12. Wow!! that sure is crazy!! I’ve been in the Urinal Cleaning business for many years, And a classic is when I started my own company and called it Urinal Cake. The amount of shocked calls from people as I explained to them that I’m not a baker, rather a urinal technician. When they land on the site, only to find urinal cakes and urinal mats disappointed they quickly jump off. If only there was a better name for it.

  13. So I have 4 young boys..on long road trips they sometimes pee in a bottle.. .especially if we are in traffic…Last summer we were on a rd trip..I got out to get gas..got back in the car…a few min later wemt to grab my starbucks cup of coffee..I had been sipping for a while…I thought gosh this feels fuller than I remember..but really to tired to put more thought into it…as soon as it entered my mouth I Knew something wasn’t right..pulled the car over gagging only to realize my 4 yr old had peed in it :(…btw coffee mixed with pee just taste wretched..

  14. I’m 40 years old and I’ve never heard of urinal cakes!! Where have I been??? If I was you, it’d still be in my bathroom and we’d all be merrily smelling it! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

  15. I read this story to my husband and my son was right behind me. When I was done, my 5 year old promptly yells out, “Mommy, I would never pee on your cake!” LOL!!

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