A funny thing happened yesterday. Not funny like “Ha ha” more like funny-weird. Or more precisely funny-odd, funny-unexpected.
You see I had to deal with a situation yesterday. A very adult situation. A very adult situation that I didn’t see coming (although I probably should have). A very adult situation that i didn’t see coming that I didn’t want to deal with. And it made things real. Things that I thought had become real already. But it made them realler. Realler than real.
And it shook me.
My first reaction was to get sad and to try and crawl inside myself. But after some time what I realized was that it made me angry. Not the “she took my parking spot” kind of angry. The kind of white-hot-burning-eyes-on-fire kind of angry.
Now a year and a half ago my response would have been to just cry. To just sit in my car in the parking lot and cry. I would probably throw in some self-hate for good measure too. I got real good at playing the helpless victim.
A year ago I would have screamed. I would have lashed out at anyone and everyone that dared to come near me. Spitting venom on innocent bystanders alongside of those at fault. I got real good at pushing people away.
Six months ago I would have stuffed the anger so deep inside my soul that it would manifest in the deepest depression that I have ever known. (It is said that depression is anger turned inward.) I got real good at hating myself.
But what I did yesterday was entirely different.
I took note. I did a self check-in. I analyzed what I needed. And I made it happen.
I came home knowing I had to feed, bathe, and put my children to bed but that I could deal with my anger within 2 hours. And so I did it.
I drove home calmly. I prepared dinner. I bathed, fed, and put the kids down. And then….
I went out into the back yard with some angry gangsta rap blasting on my portable speakers and I smashed some dishes. Before you get alarmed these are my “smashables”. The dishes I bought from Good Will specifically for the purpose of smashing. I cannot begin to explain the release I get from this. (I also highly recommend it to anyone and everyone.)
After that I came up to my back porch, portable angry speaker in tow, and I sat down and painted. I haven’t painted anything in my life ever and I didn’t know what I was trying to paint. Turns out it was a forest fire.
And after that I ate a bowl of cereal and went to bed.
And the funny thing?
I woke up this morning so empowered, so energized, so full of life. I was proud of myself for being able to healthily release my anger. Proud of myself for feeling it and releasing it. I felt lighter. It’s almost like by denying myself the right to feel angry I had been denying myself my power. And wow…did I find it.
Now I know this won’t be the last time something grips me with anger, fear, defeat, fill-in-the-blank. But what I do know is that I have learned so much over the past few years that I can handle anything that comes my way.
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