I haven’t been writing.
In fact it’s been almost a year since I’ve written. For a very long time it was because I didn’t have the words to explain. The pain I was feeling was so great that I literally lost my voice. I almost lost my mind.
More recently it’s been because there are too many words. I can’t get anything to come out in a coherent thought. There are so many things I wasn’t to talk about, so many things I want to share.
I want to talk about trauma and how for some people it turns the volume of the world down so low that the only way people can feel is by chasing an adrenaline high (or some other induced state of mind). But for others it turns the volume of the world up so high that it gets hard to leave the house. I’m talking an unmatched startle response, uncontrollable anxiety attacks, and an ever present fear. (I am the latter.)
I want to talk about how sometimes life goes sideways and no matter how much you kick and scream and pray there’s simply nothing you can do about it.
I want to talk about believing your gut and your intuition. And gaslighting. And trusting yourself.
I want to talk about mental health and taking responsibility for your own and taking the steps to get yourself healthy. About doing the hard things and fighting every day against every fiber of your being to make the right choices even though all you want to do is lie down on the kitchen floor and sob. (And sometimes that’s okay too- just don’t stay there for too long.)
I want to talk about losing yourself. And then finding yourself all over again.
I want to talk about coping strategies and mindfulness and yoga and meditation and horses.
I want to talk about healing from the outside in.
I want to talk about the things we believe will kill us actually will not. And we become stronger than we ever knew possible when being strong is our only choice.
I want to talk about fear. And shame. And grace. And mercy. And Jesus.
And maybe in the days to come I can explore and address all these things further. But what I need to do right now is to be honest. To say it out loud. To come clean.
I am going through a divorce.
It’s not what I ever wanted and goes against everything my Christian beliefs stand for. (Yes I know I just ended a sentence with a preposition- I beg forgiveness from my English-teacher-mom.) But sometimes we are left without a choice. Well, actually that’s not true. We always have a choice. And for me and in line with my Christian beliefs (after meeting with several pastors)- this was the right path.
I spent months in denial, I spent months in depression, I spent months in my closet sobbing into the floor. There are a few people who are very close to me that witnessed the journey. I hid most of it- and did a dang good job of it to boot.
But coming into the New Year (and because my therapist told me to) it’s important for me to be honest and forthright. And now I’m coming clean.
A few housekeeping items (because I know you will ask): the children are definitely having a tough time with it- hence Santa brought them each a kitten for Christmas this year. I felt it was important for each one to have something to hold, to cuddle, to take care of, and to love.
A lot of people think I’m crazy for adding 3 kittens to my already challenging life but I just knew it was the right thing to do. I and the children are all in counseling and we are working through the different emotions that come with such a huge change. But they are adjusting, adapting, and it’s getting easier. This holiday season was so healing and so peaceful for us. I feel like we are on the other side of this first mountain. I’m sure there are many more to come.
So once again there’s no beautiful metaphor. No bow to wrap this up.
It’s sad. It’s devastating. But it’s real. And it’s where we are.
And so now you have it. And now I’ve said it. And maybe now I can get back to writing because I sure have missed it.
If you’re interested in more of my story please read http://biscuitsandcrazy.net/the-whole-truth/